


Bea Santello the Hip Priest

by Pathologies



Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: Computers, End of the World, Glitches, I'm a conundrummer in the band called life puzzler, Multi, Surreal, dont read this if you havent finished the game, is it symbolic?, read this with mortal unknown orchestra, some snake thing, the gang deals with capitalism, why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 12:44:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11851827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: When a new computer comes to Possum Springs, the town may get more than it paid for. Or less.





	Bea Santello the Hip Priest

“You know,” the librarian leaned back as they admired the construction at work, “I was skeptical when the town used the money for cell towers to build the library a computer, but now that I’ve seen it up close, it’s real impressive.”  
  
“Uh yeah,” Bea said, looking dour-eyed as she came in with her friend, “We know. That’s why we’re here.”  
  
“See? People are interested in books already!”

 

“I wasnt talking to you.” the alligator looked a tad disgusted, though it was hard to tell since disgusted was her default. Mae followed behind, bored with being in such an establishment already.

 

“Beeeeaaa. Why are heeeere? Can’t we do something more interesting like decay in the food court?”  
  
“You’re not sixteen. I’m looking for night classes and you,” she put out her cigarette, “You could find a job here with the new computer or something.”  
  
“When did we get a new computer?”  
  
Just now the massive computer sat in clear view behind the front desk. Many of the inner library walls had to be taken out, with a trickling line forming behind it. It wasn’t often something amazing as a computer happened, especially one so clear black and sleek. Bea didn’t grace Mae’s question and took her place in line.

 

The hour waiting passed tortuously with Mae nudging for all kinds of verbal feedback, given with mind breadcrumbs of ‘yeah’ and ‘cool’. She never felt such a holy relief when she came to the front of the line. The front of the computer was...quite disappointing, given its massive size. Though the machine could fill an entire Snack Falcon or two, its console was the size of a normal laptop.

 

“Oh my god. Bea! Mae.” one friend wiggled his arms, “What are you doing here???”  
  
“Angus? Gregg?”  
  
“Hey Bea, see you’re trying the new computer. It’s something, but it’s no quantum supercomputer in my humble opinion,” said a straight-faced bear.  
  
“Gregg what are you guys doing here?”  
  
“Well Angus is trying the computers, but I’m seeing how many places in the library we can make out. How many do we have so far, Capn?”  
  
“Ten.”  
  
“Better make it twelve~”

 

“You got it, Bug,” Angus ruffled Gregg’s head with no concern about Bea’s bewilderment, “Hey Bea you ask it anything yet?”  
  
“What?” She looked at the console.

 

How may I help you today?

 

  
“Yeah you just put in a question and it pulls up a reference or suggestion it’s pretty cool.”  
  
“Hey might as well try.”  
  
Mae chimed in, “This could be like when a robot becomes evil and goes on a murder spree.”  
  
“Actually the technological singularity is pretty far away,” said Angus.

 

Bea ignored them as the idea just popped into her head. It was a stupid idea but she wanted to see how good this machine was. ‘How to destroy capitalism?’. Enter.

 

“Okay cool. It’s done.”  
  
“What’d you ask Bea?” asked Mae, “Was it dirty?”  
  
“God no. I just asked how to destroy capitalism.”  
  
“Hell yeah. Destroy the system!” Gregg shook one fist.

 

She looked at the screen.

 

  
  
Searching how to destroy capitalism. Capitalism. History. Superstructure. Money. Society. Error 1353. Society. $. Error 2432. Capital. Das Kapital. History. Error $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. ####$$$##@@0000000000000000011111111110000010101010010000000000001011011100001100000000000000000000000000000100010001101111111111110001010100101010110101011001010010101010101010000000---------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Uh shit.” Bea said, her face still unmoved. “I think that broke it.”  
  
“Oh boy,” said Angus.

 

But as she looked around she began to see other objects bumping into each other, almost going through. A shelf collided with a chair, attempting to pass through it. In a fit it zipped the other way, seemingly flying into air and out of view.  
  
Mae’s eyes grew wide. “Guys. Tell me you saw that.”  
  
“No that definitely wasn’t just you, Mae,” said Angus.  
  
Bea looked back into the computer. Images were popping up, images of Possum Springs. Almost like all of the town was being scanned. Outside the computer, more objects were going through and colliding with each other. One elderly possum sat down just to slide across the room and pass halfway into the wall. Now was the time to panic.  
  
“Oh shit.” Bea said again.

 

“Is this the computer dude?” asked Gregg.  
  
“I told you.” May looked more...round. Rounder than usual. Like they had seen her with such a strong clarity as never seen before.  
  
“Uh Mae.”  
  
“I warned you about computers.” She began to spin in place, like a planet with rotation out control.

 

Angus, though he was stock still, looked wigged, “This is really bad. It’s like physics is breaking down. I hate to say it, but I think it’s the computer.”  
  
“Please keep it down,” warned the librarian, whose body parts bloodlessly came and flew into different directions.

 

The walls of the library were now falling over, flying away. Despite this they feared no structural collapse...of the concrete kind.

 

“Uhhhhh,” Bea said, watching Mae’s spinning pick up speed, “I think it’s thinking of its own alienation as a result of a post-industrial mode of production.”  
  
“Dude what.” said Gregg, who was mere eyeballs.

 

“I think it’s deconstructing reality to reconfigure societal relationships for a potential acaptialist society.”  
  
“In other words the world is being destroyed.” Angus found himself getting bigger, far bigger than normal, “By a small town library that’s having its first exposure to Frankfurt school-level marxism.”

 

“I didn’t even think that was possible.”  
  
“Me neither. Oh by the way, I’m hyper-inflating at a disturbingly fetish-like rate. Try and remember me not like this.” and Angus just popped out of existence.  
  
“Capn!” Gregg said moments before his eyeballs disappeared.

 

“Uh.” Bea said. Her cigarette was no more.

 

Her cat friend had spun out into the vast black yonder as the library floor floated above it.

 

“Uhhhh.”  
  
She was alone. In the void. With a computer babbling nonstop as it took the world piece by piece.

 

“Uhhhhhhhhhh.”  
  
But at least she wouldn’t have to go to a job anymore.

 

Or do anything.

Because like that she just wasn’t anything. Just nothing.

 

For a second.

 

Her eyes first saw the words REBOOTING as she awoke to find herself...crawling out of the gaping maw of a snake.

 

“God that’s gross.” she muttered, hating how this was becoming expected. She wanted her rebirth to be something else but guess she can’t pick. She can’t pick landing in a neon blue primordial sea either. Or being a prehistoric type of crocodilian creature with fins.

 

“Oh damnit.” she said.

 

She looked to the horizon to see the head of her friend rise from the ocean, “Hi Bea!”

 

“Mae can you do anything normal?”  
  
“I’m not the one that’s a sea dinosaur,” the head that must be the replacement for a sun now said.

 

She sighed, “So this is life now, huh?”  
  
“It’s not bad. I got God Face. God Faaaaaaace. My name is god and I hate centrists.”

 

 

“So...” she looked to the massive primordial snake coiled over the ocean, “I mean is that the computer?”  
  
It nodded as it slipped away into the sky.

 

“Okay that answers that. Or not. Fuck if I know. Where’s Angus and Gregg?”  
  
“Hey Mae,” answered someone who was neither of them. It was Selmers, crawling from the neon blue sky as a vaguely maternal multi-limbed monstrosity with two heads. “Me and my ego are dating now. We’re wondering if you’re interested in a bisexual polygamous relationship.”  
  
“You had me at bisexual.” Godhead Mae spun off to enjoy their deified polygamous bliss.

 

Bea sighed. That definitely answered nothing when a clam sped over the ocean, making motorboat sounds. It opened to reveal: a massive Angus with his eyes, now permanent glasses. In the eyes she saw many stars rapidly birth and die all in the span of seconds. And he was also an anthropomorphic whale.

 

Sitting on him was just regular Gregg, but with a toga and eyes on his arms.

 

“Bea! Mae!” he wiggled his arms, “Man did you guys die too? And get reborn as gods? I think we’re gods.”  
  
“I don’t know whether I’m qualified to be a god,” Angus chimed in, “But I have a whole universe in my eyes and on my back.”  
  
“You know, I’m just gonna give up asking,” Bea said, “Capitalism’s over so that’s done at least.”

 

“Yeah I mean you made a utopia,” Selmers said mid smooch.

 

“All from breaking a computer!” Mae said.

 

Bea took in this odd serenity, this peace. For the first time many of them had found peace, a new life away from the worries of Possum Springs, away from adulthood. Bea watched her friends, sighed and said, “Fuck this this is too weird.”  
  
She swam head first into the snake, knowing just how weird that was.

 

“Okay snake-computer take me back.” she found herself all the way into the snake, an act both gross and crazy. She began thinking it was a huge mistake before she bluescreened.

 

She was hesitant to open her eyes but then the smell hit her: it was that dead leaf smell she knew before. She opened her eyes. She was her alligator self again. More importantly she had a cigarette.

 

Then she took in the library: the computer was gone. So were her friends. She stepped outside. No one to be seen. She checked every open location in Possum Springs. Everyone was gone.

 

“Oh.” she drooped. She better go home and smoke some more. She wouldn’t see any company for awhile...until she came across the social security office where there laid a goat. With one Germ sitting on top of them.

 

Bea could only muster an, “Uhhhhh.”  
  
“Look it’s Bea.”  
  
The Black Goat nodded. They clearly knew her.

 

“Yeah. Hi.”  
  
“Everyone disappeared so I just kind of streaked for a bit then I met this guy. He’s an anti-god. We’re friends with benefits.”

 

The Black Goat tickled his chin, laughing in some distorted language.

 

This was the only person she’d ever see, possibly on earth. The thought occurred to invite Germ and his evil FWB to her apartment. She could still have friends, she could build a new life…

 

She turned around, going the opposite way, “K. Have fun.”

 

Germ whistled a tune from some old show as she walked away. This was going to be a long, long rest of her life.

 

 


End file.
